Time Machine Deliverance

You know those moments in life when the most odd flashback comes up. It is almost like you feel like it could be a déjà vu moment, but you know for a fact that the memory is real; even though you feel as if you are watching it on a screen. I will willingly admit that I automatically assume most church events that I am going to attend, I am going to dislike, and I realize that this attitude probably does not help in any way, shape, or form, but it seems to be a part of the general glass half-full mentality that I have come to adopt in the past recent months. (Apparently, I have also developed a liking for excessive run-on sentences.) Tonight I sat in a church sanctuary that I have never been in before, and had low expectations for the evening. However, after an opening song that I had not heard in forever, I was transported. Now, it was not some religious experience, nope, something way more corny, and occasionally moving. It was a hot Northern California July night, under a huge white big-top tent filled with low blue chairs that were set atop a bed of woodchips.

I did not realize that I was getting old enough to be nostalgic, but apparently, I have arrived to that point, because not only was I transported back to a time and place, that seems like it barely exists anymore, but to an old church building that had red stained carpets, and stone walls. A bunch of young kids acting like complete idiots, doing silly motions to songs that I thought I had long forgotten. I remember not caring much about what people thought about me, and we acted like idiots. It hardly seems as if I lived that life, for it is so far removed now.

These thoughts and memories realized that for some strange reason, for the last several days, I have been living in a time machine. For the first time in a while I put my ipod on shuffle, and just let it take me on a musical journey of sorts. One of the first songs that caught my attention was a good ole fashion 1990’s boy band ballad. I was serenaded by the melodies of the Backstreet Boys. The teeny-mushy-corny-and oh so catchy lyrics transported me back to being so much younger than I am now. I could not help but belt out the words of, “I don’t know who you are, where you’re from, what you did, as long as you love me.” It made me feel so young again, and the memories came. Times that I remember singing that song; who I was at that point in time in my life.

I do not think I was a bad kid or youth, but I know for a fact that I was challenging. A lot of who I was back then, is still who I am now, but I have learned to harness, capture, and surrender a lot. I guess it would simply be said, I allowed myself to start to grow up. The thing is, in that, I look back, and I see aspects of my life that I have lost in this refining process that I wish I could have retained. These are not just limited to personal characteristics, but other things as well. A key part of a lot of the memories, of my own personal time machine are people; there are very significant people in those memories, who I no longer have any form of relationship with. Now, that is a part of growing up, but when I think about the end of those relationships, I feel quite sad. Living in a time machine is not healthy, but a couple days spent there I think can be quite prosperous.


God loves you just as you are, but he loves too much to let you stay that way.

I might have just butchered that particular quote, but I am almost completely sure that anyone who reads this has a high enough competency that they will get the point. A couple of days in a time machine, with a few key moments, and my heart becomes overwhelmed by the idea of sovereignty and deliverance. Nostalgia is an interesting thing. We overlook the bad, and focus on the good. That does not mean that it is bad to remember the good times, but in those memories, I completely forgot the pain, devastation, and the negative aspects of my life at that point in time. I cannot start to imagine what my life would look like, if I would have stayed locked into who I was at those points in my life.

God in his sovereignty has delivered me from myself and my past. He continues to mold, grow, heal, refine, and do miraculous works in my life. It was kind of funny the way that this time machine came into being in my life. However, this great realization is a very welcomed piece of the jigsaw puzzle. I think that it is always good to be reminded that God works all things to the good of those who love Him, and how fortunate we are to be in that category.

Taylor Swift v Pearl Jam: Fail

I was sitting around today, and as per usual, writing out song lyrics on lecture handouts, when my mind completely blanked. The drollness of the lecture would usually cause this happen, and the stimulation of accessing the lyrics locked around in my brain usually keeps this from happening, but not today. I was in the middle of finishing the last verse of Last Kiss by Pearl Jam, and my mind just froze. No thoughts, no words, just a whole bunch of blank nothingness. I am going to choose to blame the fact that the lecture in the background was fit for a kindergartener. So I did something that I hate myself for. I googled the lyrics to a song that I know I know, and then the unthinkable happened. The first three hits on Google were links to a Taylor Swift song with the same name, followed by one link for Pearl Jam, followed by even more TSwift links! Now, do not get me wrong. I love Taylor Swift as much as the next girl, but even to me this was beyond depressing. It started to make me think about the culture that I live in today; a culture of the here and now, shallow and easy, of lazy and not bothered.

Where does talent and hard work come into play anymore? Lets be honest, thirty years ago, the idea of Justin B…whatever his last name is, would be not only laughable but deplorable. Now this goes so much further than just music though. I think of how we handle life in general. It really is quite devastating. Scapegoats have existed since the dawn of time, but it seems that we are brought up now to constantly use them. If there is a way to get out of what you have done, to blame shift, to use a scapegoat, it is glorified. Life is cheap and easy. I find it to be depressing.

I have sat back and watched an academic institution act this way for the past two months. A place of higher learning, succumb to the pitfalls of morality of modern society.

I have always been a people watcher. I do not remember a time when I did not enjoy it. However, I have not only always been a watcher, but an analyzer as well. I like to sit back, watch, assess, and analyze people and their actions. Sometimes this is not an actual physical view of what is going on, but reading articles or listening to other people’s life situations. The thing is, if you are in the habit of doing these things, you automatically start making tables and weighing measures in your head. So when you see a situation happen, you have a presupposition of how it could be handled, and what are good or bad actions to take. It can be a useful thing to use, but at other points in time, I find ignorance to be truly bliss.

I have found life over here to be beyond difficult this term for those reasons. As more than one extremely negative situation has arisen, and in my mental charts and measures, the actions following them have been severally lacking. So what does this mean for now and the future? It means that I am dealing with frustration daily. It means that I have some very rational and righteous anger, and some very irrational and unrighteous anger to deal with. It means that every single morsel of trust that was even slightly placed is completely shattered, and probably will never really be replaced. However, through it all, there are irreplaceable life experiences that continue to grow and shape who I am in faith and myself. I count my blessings that my faith has not faulted through it all, well my faith in God at least. It just reaffirms to me that He is my firm foundation, and that everything else is going to crumble and fall, including me. And even though Taylor Swift is no more important than Pearl Jam to Google, well His love will persevere.