Changing Seasons

I heard it was snowing back home. Even though it is still technically fall, it seems the transition into winter has happened. It makes me think about life in some melodramatic and poetical way. How life is constantly changing, and even when things hit when they are not supposed to, life goes on, and changes; just like the seasons. The thing about changing seasons in life though, is that it can happen way more or quite less than four times a year. This last September was the start of a new season of my life, but as I sit here today, in a foreign country, studying things I never thought I would, surrounded by completely new people who don’t know my past seasons, I reflect. I reflect on a season in my life that was quite sometime ago.

Five years. It was five years ago that I called out to God, and his answer was, “No.” The God of love, grace, mercy, and compassion became the God of anger, resentment, punishment, and abuse to me. “No,” When you are two it is your favorite word, when you are a teenager, it is the word you hate the most, and when you are an adult it is a word that gives power to the one that uses it. The thing is, no one really stops to consider just how powerful that one syllable is. That word simply shattered my heart.

Anniversaries, they make you think of the what, ifs, woulds, and all of those other words that create a haunting of heart of mind. Who would he be today? He would have graduated in the spring. He would be doing Kingdom work. He would be loved by many. Instead, he has gone back to the ashes from which he was created. His life ended all too soon.

It has been five years. Five years to come to grasp with the fact that I won’t see him on this imperfect earth again. Five years of trials, tribulations, and growth. It has been difficult. I find myself in a place that I never thought I would end up. God has twisted and turned my path in such a drastic way from where I thought I would be now.

God is good. I find the God of the universe overflowing my cup that my flesh, the world, and Satan try to deplete rather quickly. I find suffering and loss staring me in the face all over gain. And I find peace. Yes, there are trails that I am led down that have me screaming, kicking, and crying, but at the end of the day, after the only prayer I can scrounge up is a scream, I know in my heart of hearts that God is a good God. I know he holds everything in the palm of his hand. That every singe person I love, he loves more than I could ever comprehend. That he is the Sovereign Savior and Lord. Even when life goes completely upside down, he is still God, and he is still in control.

It gets tricky though, doesn’t it? Because when life does go upside down, and God is in control, why doesn’t he just fix it? It is one of the ultimate questions, isn’t it? There are all these biblical and theological answers, but they don’t really help when you are in intense pain. What I have come to realize is really quite simple, and yet the most complex thing a human being will ever have, faith.

I have faith in God, and he will work every horrid, terrible, painful, and soul-destroying thing to his good. God is neither cold nor callous. He weeps with us. He has given us everything. Because of him, we are able to truly live in this life. “Oh praise the one that paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead!” “Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free! For God the just is satisfied, to look on him, and pardon me!”

This life, my joy, my suffering, my strength, my weakness, my sin, my righteousness, everything of mine is God’s. He gives what I needs, and takes what I am not meant to carry. Why do I doubt him? He sent his son die for me. His love is all encompassing. Even though I believe all of that, it is still hard. There are still holes in my heart from pain that will never truly disappear until glory, but I have faith.

I have faith that lost children are being loved and looked after until their parents join them, faith that relationships can be healed, faith that hearts shattered beyond repair can be healed, faith in miracles, and faith in the glory, grace, and providence of God. Five years. It has been quite a journey. Five years. It has been quite a story. I can’t believe it has been five years.

The seasons have changed many times since then. They will continue to change. Life will continue to go on. Sometimes things will pop up when I don’t expect them to. Sometimes, during one season, it will seem like another completely, but I have faith, because God is faithful.