It is Monday morning, December 6, 2010, and I am sitting in class. I really should be paying attention to the fact that we are discussing how Post Modernity is affecting the world that I live in, but I can’t seem to concentrate on anything other than the fact that this is the last Monday I will be sitting in a lecture room until Mid-January 2011. I have been in England for 10 weeks, and have completed 1/9 of my degree at this point. Those facts create an odd sensation within me. As I reflect on this time, there are a few events that stick out, but in truth, I am living my life here just as much as I would be living my life back in the Harbor.
I arrived in England in all reality, alone. I flew by myself, stayed in a hotel alone, shopped, traveled, figured out things like phones, banking, and really odd food all by myself. To sum it up simply, I had to be a grown up. I had to be a grown up that was isolated from everything that I found familiar, and had no community at all to lean on. It was a thrilling experience, but at the end of the day, I was relieved when the day came for me to move into college.
It is easy to skip over all the awkward getting to you know bits that inevitably exist when you move into a new community, but those things are what truly bond you to the people around you. I was thrown into a mad house full of people who spoke with funny accents, and used funny words that had a completely different meaning if no meaning at all in America. The thing is though; the laughs that just those words and accent differences created are some of the iron strings that created the strong friendships I now have. Within several days I was no longer alone.
I have had experience upon experience that were highly unique and invaluable to me. I have lived life with people in a different way from anything I have experienced before. I suppose most people could say that when they leave to go live in a dorm situation, but something tells me this is a lot more different then going off to live in the UW housing. We became a family.
I think I have mentioned it before, but I am so blessed. I now have three amazing families; they all have different aspects and feelings to them, but they are all dear to my heart. My Moorlands family is quite the lot, but I am pretty sure my other two families are as well. I think they have stretched me more than any other family though. They have touched my heart in ways that none of them could even begin to comprehend.
I cannot wait to go home. I cannot wait to see my other two families. I cannot wait to eat American food. I cannot wait to sleep in. I cannot wait to drive on the right side of the road. I cannot wait for so many things, but I will miss it here. I will miss the people who have become a part of my extended family. We have lived an INTENSE 10 weeks together, full of love, laughter, tears, boredom, drama, and joy, and it is going to be weird to just up and leave it for a while. Hopping the pond, it is going to become a rather regular thing in my life, but I now know that every time I get on a plane, whether it be in Seattle or London, that I am leaving pieces of my heart on both continents.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Changing Seasons
I heard it was snowing back home. Even though it is still technically fall, it seems the transition into winter has happened. It makes me think about life in some melodramatic and poetical way. How life is constantly changing, and even when things hit when they are not supposed to, life goes on, and changes; just like the seasons. The thing about changing seasons in life though, is that it can happen way more or quite less than four times a year. This last September was the start of a new season of my life, but as I sit here today, in a foreign country, studying things I never thought I would, surrounded by completely new people who don’t know my past seasons, I reflect. I reflect on a season in my life that was quite sometime ago.
Five years. It was five years ago that I called out to God, and his answer was, “No.” The God of love, grace, mercy, and compassion became the God of anger, resentment, punishment, and abuse to me. “No,” When you are two it is your favorite word, when you are a teenager, it is the word you hate the most, and when you are an adult it is a word that gives power to the one that uses it. The thing is, no one really stops to consider just how powerful that one syllable is. That word simply shattered my heart.
Anniversaries, they make you think of the what, ifs, woulds, and all of those other words that create a haunting of heart of mind. Who would he be today? He would have graduated in the spring. He would be doing Kingdom work. He would be loved by many. Instead, he has gone back to the ashes from which he was created. His life ended all too soon.
It has been five years. Five years to come to grasp with the fact that I won’t see him on this imperfect earth again. Five years of trials, tribulations, and growth. It has been difficult. I find myself in a place that I never thought I would end up. God has twisted and turned my path in such a drastic way from where I thought I would be now.
God is good. I find the God of the universe overflowing my cup that my flesh, the world, and Satan try to deplete rather quickly. I find suffering and loss staring me in the face all over gain. And I find peace. Yes, there are trails that I am led down that have me screaming, kicking, and crying, but at the end of the day, after the only prayer I can scrounge up is a scream, I know in my heart of hearts that God is a good God. I know he holds everything in the palm of his hand. That every singe person I love, he loves more than I could ever comprehend. That he is the Sovereign Savior and Lord. Even when life goes completely upside down, he is still God, and he is still in control.
It gets tricky though, doesn’t it? Because when life does go upside down, and God is in control, why doesn’t he just fix it? It is one of the ultimate questions, isn’t it? There are all these biblical and theological answers, but they don’t really help when you are in intense pain. What I have come to realize is really quite simple, and yet the most complex thing a human being will ever have, faith.
I have faith in God, and he will work every horrid, terrible, painful, and soul-destroying thing to his good. God is neither cold nor callous. He weeps with us. He has given us everything. Because of him, we are able to truly live in this life. “Oh praise the one that paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead!” “Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free! For God the just is satisfied, to look on him, and pardon me!”
This life, my joy, my suffering, my strength, my weakness, my sin, my righteousness, everything of mine is God’s. He gives what I needs, and takes what I am not meant to carry. Why do I doubt him? He sent his son die for me. His love is all encompassing. Even though I believe all of that, it is still hard. There are still holes in my heart from pain that will never truly disappear until glory, but I have faith.
I have faith that lost children are being loved and looked after until their parents join them, faith that relationships can be healed, faith that hearts shattered beyond repair can be healed, faith in miracles, and faith in the glory, grace, and providence of God. Five years. It has been quite a journey. Five years. It has been quite a story. I can’t believe it has been five years.
The seasons have changed many times since then. They will continue to change. Life will continue to go on. Sometimes things will pop up when I don’t expect them to. Sometimes, during one season, it will seem like another completely, but I have faith, because God is faithful.
Five years. It was five years ago that I called out to God, and his answer was, “No.” The God of love, grace, mercy, and compassion became the God of anger, resentment, punishment, and abuse to me. “No,” When you are two it is your favorite word, when you are a teenager, it is the word you hate the most, and when you are an adult it is a word that gives power to the one that uses it. The thing is, no one really stops to consider just how powerful that one syllable is. That word simply shattered my heart.
Anniversaries, they make you think of the what, ifs, woulds, and all of those other words that create a haunting of heart of mind. Who would he be today? He would have graduated in the spring. He would be doing Kingdom work. He would be loved by many. Instead, he has gone back to the ashes from which he was created. His life ended all too soon.
It has been five years. Five years to come to grasp with the fact that I won’t see him on this imperfect earth again. Five years of trials, tribulations, and growth. It has been difficult. I find myself in a place that I never thought I would end up. God has twisted and turned my path in such a drastic way from where I thought I would be now.
God is good. I find the God of the universe overflowing my cup that my flesh, the world, and Satan try to deplete rather quickly. I find suffering and loss staring me in the face all over gain. And I find peace. Yes, there are trails that I am led down that have me screaming, kicking, and crying, but at the end of the day, after the only prayer I can scrounge up is a scream, I know in my heart of hearts that God is a good God. I know he holds everything in the palm of his hand. That every singe person I love, he loves more than I could ever comprehend. That he is the Sovereign Savior and Lord. Even when life goes completely upside down, he is still God, and he is still in control.
It gets tricky though, doesn’t it? Because when life does go upside down, and God is in control, why doesn’t he just fix it? It is one of the ultimate questions, isn’t it? There are all these biblical and theological answers, but they don’t really help when you are in intense pain. What I have come to realize is really quite simple, and yet the most complex thing a human being will ever have, faith.
I have faith in God, and he will work every horrid, terrible, painful, and soul-destroying thing to his good. God is neither cold nor callous. He weeps with us. He has given us everything. Because of him, we are able to truly live in this life. “Oh praise the one that paid my debt, and raised this life up from the dead!” “Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul is counted free! For God the just is satisfied, to look on him, and pardon me!”
This life, my joy, my suffering, my strength, my weakness, my sin, my righteousness, everything of mine is God’s. He gives what I needs, and takes what I am not meant to carry. Why do I doubt him? He sent his son die for me. His love is all encompassing. Even though I believe all of that, it is still hard. There are still holes in my heart from pain that will never truly disappear until glory, but I have faith.
I have faith that lost children are being loved and looked after until their parents join them, faith that relationships can be healed, faith that hearts shattered beyond repair can be healed, faith in miracles, and faith in the glory, grace, and providence of God. Five years. It has been quite a journey. Five years. It has been quite a story. I can’t believe it has been five years.
The seasons have changed many times since then. They will continue to change. Life will continue to go on. Sometimes things will pop up when I don’t expect them to. Sometimes, during one season, it will seem like another completely, but I have faith, because God is faithful.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Falling
Falling
It is officially fall. So in England, they would never say fall, it is strictly autumn, but for word play purposes, it is officially fall. The leaves are changing and most have fallen. There is frost often found on the ground, and you now have to factor in time to scrape the ice of your car windshield in your travel time. I love it! I love the fall! It is such a blessing to be in the blustery (yes, it is extremely windy) British countryside to experience this season. It is a lot like home, with the constantly changing weather, and kind of rainy days, it warms my heart.
Fall. Falling. Falling activities, raking leaves, pumpkin carving, turkey roasting, scarf wrapping. So great!
Fall. Falling. Falling activities, stumbling, pain, unstoppable, unforeseen; same words, completely different meanings.
The past few weeks has been a mix of both. With the season of fall, college has seen a lot of falling, in both senses of the word. It is truly overwhelming. The amount of pain, emotional, physical, and spiritual that has been happening is astronomical. There is falling, for no reason. Well, yes, there is a reason, but how easily we forget it. We are in a battle where the enemy wants to make us fall as often and in any way possible.
What has been amazing is this community. There could not be a better place to fall. The amount of prayer, love, and support offered here is such a blessing. I find myself holding so many people up, and my arms are getting tired, but Jesus is restoring me daily.
Falling.
I am so thankful that the only falling I have done is onto my knees in prayer, but if I do fall, I know that Jesus and this community holds me. I am five-fold blessed! I am loved and supported by God, my Mars Hill Family, my blood family, my other Christian brothers and sisters and my Moorlands Family. What security Christ has provided for me in Him and those he has strategically placed around me.
If I am going to fall, I say bring it on!
Now, a little bit of a funny falling story.
This very morning I nearly fell out of bed.
After a particularly rough and heavy night, Rosie and Clare came and had a sleepover in my room. We believed that our first lecture of the day started at 11, as our normal 9am professor was out of town. What we didn’t know was that was a falsehood. So as we were comfortably snuggled in and asleep at 9:00 AM this morning. An announcement came over the intercom. It was our professor who had scheduled for us to have a class announcing that all Level 1’s were to get to Doctrine now! We all nearly jumped/fell out of bed in a hurry, and scrambled to get to class.
It was a historical day for the college. In the entire time of this institution, there has never been a whole year group who did not show up to a lecture! Yay for record setting, and things that nearly cause us to fall, but in a silly way! ☺
It is officially fall. So in England, they would never say fall, it is strictly autumn, but for word play purposes, it is officially fall. The leaves are changing and most have fallen. There is frost often found on the ground, and you now have to factor in time to scrape the ice of your car windshield in your travel time. I love it! I love the fall! It is such a blessing to be in the blustery (yes, it is extremely windy) British countryside to experience this season. It is a lot like home, with the constantly changing weather, and kind of rainy days, it warms my heart.
Fall. Falling. Falling activities, raking leaves, pumpkin carving, turkey roasting, scarf wrapping. So great!
Fall. Falling. Falling activities, stumbling, pain, unstoppable, unforeseen; same words, completely different meanings.
The past few weeks has been a mix of both. With the season of fall, college has seen a lot of falling, in both senses of the word. It is truly overwhelming. The amount of pain, emotional, physical, and spiritual that has been happening is astronomical. There is falling, for no reason. Well, yes, there is a reason, but how easily we forget it. We are in a battle where the enemy wants to make us fall as often and in any way possible.
What has been amazing is this community. There could not be a better place to fall. The amount of prayer, love, and support offered here is such a blessing. I find myself holding so many people up, and my arms are getting tired, but Jesus is restoring me daily.
Falling.
I am so thankful that the only falling I have done is onto my knees in prayer, but if I do fall, I know that Jesus and this community holds me. I am five-fold blessed! I am loved and supported by God, my Mars Hill Family, my blood family, my other Christian brothers and sisters and my Moorlands Family. What security Christ has provided for me in Him and those he has strategically placed around me.
If I am going to fall, I say bring it on!
Now, a little bit of a funny falling story.
This very morning I nearly fell out of bed.
After a particularly rough and heavy night, Rosie and Clare came and had a sleepover in my room. We believed that our first lecture of the day started at 11, as our normal 9am professor was out of town. What we didn’t know was that was a falsehood. So as we were comfortably snuggled in and asleep at 9:00 AM this morning. An announcement came over the intercom. It was our professor who had scheduled for us to have a class announcing that all Level 1’s were to get to Doctrine now! We all nearly jumped/fell out of bed in a hurry, and scrambled to get to class.
It was a historical day for the college. In the entire time of this institution, there has never been a whole year group who did not show up to a lecture! Yay for record setting, and things that nearly cause us to fall, but in a silly way! ☺
Monday, October 18, 2010
Reflections From A Train Station
As I sit on an old and dirty bench in rather cold weather waiting on a train that seems will never come, my mind wanders. I sit under a covering that shelters me from the cold autumn sunlight that is streaming through the clouds that tend to suffocate and choke out the brightness. It is a brilliant Sunday afternoon, and yet everyone around me (all three other people) and myself are dressed in dark color schemes. I look down at myself and my eyes are shocked by the bright and childish aqua blue color that is my headphones; the headphones that are delivering the poetic and soulful stories accompanied by beautiful, melodic sounds of Mumford and Sons. Their songs have poignant meaning that stir my soul more than this Sunday morning’s message at church.
How truly odd it is to wait for a train, to surrender ones independence to something you truly have no control over. I stare not at the not so old tracks, but at the old rocks that they sit on, and the old wooden beams laid between them. The world is old, but some parts are older than others. When sitting at a train depot in Seattle, a person cannot picture men in top hats and women in bustles or hoop skirts awaiting an old steamer. In England, hot easy it becomes to let ones mind slip away and forget the steel benches and gum that is permanently adhered to the dirty pavement that people live their daily lives on. I can see a time long before anyone I have ever known lived. A time when there was no surrendering your independence, because you really had none to start with (well us women at least).
Idealization. We all do it, don’t we? Grass is always greener, if only, back then, other places, and what it? Where do these things lead? Do they breed hearts of dreamers? For if that is true, it surely is not a bad thing. For dreamers will change the world. Or does it breed hearts of discontentment? Is it even possible to have a heart full of content anymore, or is everything made to leave us, the human race, wanting? If you do not have a fancy, dream, or let your mind wander what will become of you? If you do not choose to see reality, reason, and what is truly in front of you, what will become of you?
The rocks that surround me were hewn a long time ago. They have seen changes in language, fashion, technology, faith, government, and civilization as a whole. Do you think they are embittered? Are they content? Are they discontented? They have heard of anguish and joy. Newspapers full of atrocities were left on their faces, and yet they still stand. They have not crumbled. They have not given way. Is that good?
If people heard anguish and joy, atrocities, and things to celebrate, and they never moved; never crumbled to be rebuilt in a stronger fashion, would civilization not have ceased to function and move forward a long time ago? The funny thing about the stones is they are not alive. They have no way to change, unless, man deems them too. They have no free will and no faith. Yet they are from the past, in the present, and will be in the future.
Past. Present. Future.
Is God in the past? Is he in the present? Is he in the future? How you answer those questions makes every other question asked near superfluous. God wants us to dream as others dreamed, wants us to have our hearts broken, and to avoid the plague that is bitterness and discontentment. God has us look to the future of his will and says live in a way that my future will be possible.
The rest is just a bit of nonsense really. The ramblings of a girl waiting at a British train station.
How truly odd it is to wait for a train, to surrender ones independence to something you truly have no control over. I stare not at the not so old tracks, but at the old rocks that they sit on, and the old wooden beams laid between them. The world is old, but some parts are older than others. When sitting at a train depot in Seattle, a person cannot picture men in top hats and women in bustles or hoop skirts awaiting an old steamer. In England, hot easy it becomes to let ones mind slip away and forget the steel benches and gum that is permanently adhered to the dirty pavement that people live their daily lives on. I can see a time long before anyone I have ever known lived. A time when there was no surrendering your independence, because you really had none to start with (well us women at least).
Idealization. We all do it, don’t we? Grass is always greener, if only, back then, other places, and what it? Where do these things lead? Do they breed hearts of dreamers? For if that is true, it surely is not a bad thing. For dreamers will change the world. Or does it breed hearts of discontentment? Is it even possible to have a heart full of content anymore, or is everything made to leave us, the human race, wanting? If you do not have a fancy, dream, or let your mind wander what will become of you? If you do not choose to see reality, reason, and what is truly in front of you, what will become of you?
The rocks that surround me were hewn a long time ago. They have seen changes in language, fashion, technology, faith, government, and civilization as a whole. Do you think they are embittered? Are they content? Are they discontented? They have heard of anguish and joy. Newspapers full of atrocities were left on their faces, and yet they still stand. They have not crumbled. They have not given way. Is that good?
If people heard anguish and joy, atrocities, and things to celebrate, and they never moved; never crumbled to be rebuilt in a stronger fashion, would civilization not have ceased to function and move forward a long time ago? The funny thing about the stones is they are not alive. They have no way to change, unless, man deems them too. They have no free will and no faith. Yet they are from the past, in the present, and will be in the future.
Past. Present. Future.
Is God in the past? Is he in the present? Is he in the future? How you answer those questions makes every other question asked near superfluous. God wants us to dream as others dreamed, wants us to have our hearts broken, and to avoid the plague that is bitterness and discontentment. God has us look to the future of his will and says live in a way that my future will be possible.
The rest is just a bit of nonsense really. The ramblings of a girl waiting at a British train station.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The story of...
Here is a little taste of just how different it can be!
This is the story of a pretend British girl.
One day, a little girl went to her wardrobe. She decided that she wanted to wear her gray trousers and black jumper. It was still dark out, and she had to walk on an uneven pavement to get to her bus stop. So she opened up her drawer and pulled out her torch. She made her way into the kitchen to get some snacks for her day. She knew her class was taking a holiday, so she packed her bum-bag full of yummy biscuits.
On her way to the bus stop a lady in trackies and trainers passed her and asked if she was alright. The little girl replied, “Yeah, cheers!” Later that evening her mates and her decided to go see a film down at the cinema, but ended up pushing a trolley up and down a car park.
The little girl was knackered after her long day, but had to take the rubbish out once she got home. She decided that she was going to where a posh outfit the next day, and laid it out. She washed her teeth, used the lou, and climbed into bed.
The End.
The story of a pretend American girl
One day, a little girl went to her closet. She decided she wanted to wear her gray pants and black sweatshirt. It was still dark out, and she had to walk on an uneven sidewalk to get to her bus stop. She opened up her drawer and pulled out her flashlight. She made her way into the kitchen to get some snacks for her day. She knew her class was taking a field trip, so she packed her fanny pack full of yummy cookies.
On her way to the bus stop a lady in her sweatpants and tennis shoes passed her and asked, “How are you?” The little girl replied, “Yes, Thank you!” Later that evening her friends and her decided to go see a movie down at the theater, but ended up pushing shopping carts up and down a parking lot.
The little was tired after her long day, but had to take the trash out once she got home. She decided that she was going to where a fancy outfit the next day, and laid it out. She brushed her teeth, used the bathroom, and climbed into bed.
The End.
This is the story of a pretend British girl.
One day, a little girl went to her wardrobe. She decided that she wanted to wear her gray trousers and black jumper. It was still dark out, and she had to walk on an uneven pavement to get to her bus stop. So she opened up her drawer and pulled out her torch. She made her way into the kitchen to get some snacks for her day. She knew her class was taking a holiday, so she packed her bum-bag full of yummy biscuits.
On her way to the bus stop a lady in trackies and trainers passed her and asked if she was alright. The little girl replied, “Yeah, cheers!” Later that evening her mates and her decided to go see a film down at the cinema, but ended up pushing a trolley up and down a car park.
The little girl was knackered after her long day, but had to take the rubbish out once she got home. She decided that she was going to where a posh outfit the next day, and laid it out. She washed her teeth, used the lou, and climbed into bed.
The End.
The story of a pretend American girl
One day, a little girl went to her closet. She decided she wanted to wear her gray pants and black sweatshirt. It was still dark out, and she had to walk on an uneven sidewalk to get to her bus stop. She opened up her drawer and pulled out her flashlight. She made her way into the kitchen to get some snacks for her day. She knew her class was taking a field trip, so she packed her fanny pack full of yummy cookies.
On her way to the bus stop a lady in her sweatpants and tennis shoes passed her and asked, “How are you?” The little girl replied, “Yes, Thank you!” Later that evening her friends and her decided to go see a movie down at the theater, but ended up pushing shopping carts up and down a parking lot.
The little was tired after her long day, but had to take the trash out once she got home. She decided that she was going to where a fancy outfit the next day, and laid it out. She brushed her teeth, used the bathroom, and climbed into bed.
The End.
Monday, October 4, 2010
In the beginning...
One can think that they are completely ready to take on a task, and be completely blind in confidence about it. If you need to battle a fire-breathing dragon, and you only have a rusty spoon (please no creepy salad fingers references), you will probably not defeat the dragon, even if you think you do.
Going into orientation week, I was slightly worried that I was going off of blind confidence. I was thrilled that the things that I found myself failing in were not detrimental to my being in anyway, and that the tools that I God had equipped me with were as always, more than adequate. I had laugh after laugh. I enjoyed being educated in British accents, terms, and the way of pub life. I have found a community that enjoys laughing, joking, and musical theater (yes, you are allowed to insert jokes here) as much as I do! People have been so lovely! They might laugh at me, well, okay, with me, because I do realize how silly I am to them, but for those who were praying for community to be a solid thing in my life over here, I can say that God is good, and has answered it ten-fold.
I have already been challenged, and will continue to be challenged. I look forward to see how my viewpoints will look in a little, and how it will impact my life.
Now, some funny points, well clubbing out in costumes apparently is fairly common place. So we went out, and enjoyed club hopping while dressed! I went as a ladybug, and happened to ride a mechanical bull! Um, the photos are tagged on facebook if you want to experience my humiliation. I was the only girl willing to do it, and I wonder if it is my bold American nature, which I am told I have quite a bit haha!
For a quick, she didn’t see that coming point. I was informed that I am going to a “bridal” college. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of people within second year, let alone third year who were in a serious relationship, engaged, or married! Almost all with fellow students! It was quite the shock, and unlike back in the states, the girls are the hot commodities, as the boys outnumber us quite a bit! How strange! I have mixed feelings about it all, but am happy that the girls that I have made good friends with have all expressed the need of accountability for it. Ahhhh! It is actually kind of scary.
Anyways, lectures started today, and so far are fairly interesting. I look forward to really diving in! Talk to you soon!
Going into orientation week, I was slightly worried that I was going off of blind confidence. I was thrilled that the things that I found myself failing in were not detrimental to my being in anyway, and that the tools that I God had equipped me with were as always, more than adequate. I had laugh after laugh. I enjoyed being educated in British accents, terms, and the way of pub life. I have found a community that enjoys laughing, joking, and musical theater (yes, you are allowed to insert jokes here) as much as I do! People have been so lovely! They might laugh at me, well, okay, with me, because I do realize how silly I am to them, but for those who were praying for community to be a solid thing in my life over here, I can say that God is good, and has answered it ten-fold.
I have already been challenged, and will continue to be challenged. I look forward to see how my viewpoints will look in a little, and how it will impact my life.
Now, some funny points, well clubbing out in costumes apparently is fairly common place. So we went out, and enjoyed club hopping while dressed! I went as a ladybug, and happened to ride a mechanical bull! Um, the photos are tagged on facebook if you want to experience my humiliation. I was the only girl willing to do it, and I wonder if it is my bold American nature, which I am told I have quite a bit haha!
For a quick, she didn’t see that coming point. I was informed that I am going to a “bridal” college. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the amount of people within second year, let alone third year who were in a serious relationship, engaged, or married! Almost all with fellow students! It was quite the shock, and unlike back in the states, the girls are the hot commodities, as the boys outnumber us quite a bit! How strange! I have mixed feelings about it all, but am happy that the girls that I have made good friends with have all expressed the need of accountability for it. Ahhhh! It is actually kind of scary.
Anyways, lectures started today, and so far are fairly interesting. I look forward to really diving in! Talk to you soon!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Two in One
Okay, so I am going to give this whole blogging thing a shot for realsies! Here are what would have been two separate posts if my internet connection would have been more reliable. Hope you enjoy!
Big Puffy White Things...
You know that moment? Isn’t it interesting how something popped into your head, it was one of those moments. One where you know that changed the course of everything. These aren’t always the huge ones, the seeing your boyfriend down on one knee or holding a pen over the documents of a large purchase. They can be the little ones, the first time you see a baby crying, and you smile knowing that it could be one day, or someone what think is not too much younger than you refer to you as Miss, and the fact that you are no longer a child starts to sink in. I had one of those moments. Sitting in the airplane on my way to London, and feeling maybe just a little overwhelmed, I looked out my window. The clouds were so large, dense, and puffy that they gave the allure of security and peace. Surely such things that look so magnificent would catch me if I so chose to jump. They would feel like the world’s most soft bed. It was fun to speculate about the clouds like a small child would. However, the moment that I realized; which was truly from the beginning, that the allure of peace and security was false, the moment hit me. I was truly on my way to a brand new adventure and phase of my life. I had no clouds to jump into, no way to stay on Park Place and not “Pass Go,” and truthfully little to no understanding of what my emotions would be doing once that plane touched down, but if leaving Seatac airport and my time in the sky to London was any gauge, well then, I was ready to be a near wreck once I breathed in that old English air.
Big Puffy White Things...
You know that moment? Isn’t it interesting how something popped into your head, it was one of those moments. One where you know that changed the course of everything. These aren’t always the huge ones, the seeing your boyfriend down on one knee or holding a pen over the documents of a large purchase. They can be the little ones, the first time you see a baby crying, and you smile knowing that it could be one day, or someone what think is not too much younger than you refer to you as Miss, and the fact that you are no longer a child starts to sink in. I had one of those moments. Sitting in the airplane on my way to London, and feeling maybe just a little overwhelmed, I looked out my window. The clouds were so large, dense, and puffy that they gave the allure of security and peace. Surely such things that look so magnificent would catch me if I so chose to jump. They would feel like the world’s most soft bed. It was fun to speculate about the clouds like a small child would. However, the moment that I realized; which was truly from the beginning, that the allure of peace and security was false, the moment hit me. I was truly on my way to a brand new adventure and phase of my life. I had no clouds to jump into, no way to stay on Park Place and not “Pass Go,” and truthfully little to no understanding of what my emotions would be doing once that plane touched down, but if leaving Seatac airport and my time in the sky to London was any gauge, well then, I was ready to be a near wreck once I breathed in that old English air.
It is not the first time in my very short life that I have felt the curse of love. No, not in the romantic scorn sort of way, but in that truth that is so universal, the truth that love is a double-edged sword of joy and aguish. Now, anguish might be overstating things by just a little, but lets face it, leaving behind all those I love was no easy feat. To experience the security and warmth of my parents embraces for the last time for a few months was something I had done before with no problem, but this time was so different. The knowledge that once I came home again, it would be only for a short time. That truthfully, even though a significant portion of my heart is left behind in Washington, my physical presence and a piece of my heart is going to be mainly in the United Kingdom for the next three years. My heart and head is overwhelmed by a cacophony of emotions. Overwhelmed? Yep. Frazzled? Just a little. Nervous? Who wouldn’t be. At Peace? Absolutely.God has been so good to me throughout this entire process. From orchestrating my investigation of schools over here, which really started with Sara studying in Oxford, to giving me direction of where to apply, to having people in my life who stood by me and wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote (I think you get the gist of it) endless letters, really packets of recommendation, to an almost unsettling contentment of choice of school, to getting my Visa to me on-time, to the lady at the check in counter for Air Canada who checked by extra baggage for less than 50% of what we had planned for, gave my Daddy a security pass to go with me to the gate, and gave me incredible seats for both my flights. Yes, there have been hard moments. There were times where the security of those clouds were far too tempting, that retreating to child-like ways, and not following the path put in front of me seemed all too easy to grasp. God could have used it all, but I have a beautiful sense of quite peace that in the center of my heart. I may let my emotions and thoughts run away with me, but knowing that at my center, there is a light of peace and strength and contentment, and all I need is to call out, and the light always overcomes the darkness.
Purple Clouds... Sorry Prince, So Close, but no Cigar
As a Pacific Northwestener, I have that sense of self-expertness when it comes to Sunsets. Just in Washington alone, there are vast arrays of different sunsets one can enjoy. Over mountains, ocean, bays, valleys, fields, gorges, and desert. Tonight in Bournemouth, UK. I experienced my second sunset. Now, I was around for it last night, but lets be honest. I was so exhausted from my long day of traveling, that I am pretty sure I thought “pretty,” shrugged, and walked back to my hotel, which is about three blocks away from the seaside. Tonight I made it a point to wander down towards the evening. I sat in a KFC, yes, as if in Kentucky Fried Chicken, that overlooked a good part of the boardwalk as twilight set in. The water of the English Channel is blue. Yes, I know, all water is blue, but is a lot more blue than any water we have back home, well except for maybe that clear blue of the alpine lakes in the Summer that hurts your eyes to look at directly because of its brilliancy. So, I am overlooking this bright blue water, with white sand, and a twilight sky with just a few clouds in the sky.
The clouds were not puffy, no they were those wispy ones, the ones that when you look at you think that just a slight wind would spread them apart like a little child blowing on a dandelion. I walked outside to listen to the waves crash on the beach. Funny how I tie that sound to home in my heart, for it is not too often that you hear waves crashing on the beach of the Puget Sound, well at least not at my house. But I know that they do, and I think of the times I spent out on the Olympic Peninsula, with my body turned toward the Pacific. Thinking of life, God, friends, family, and a lot of the time nothing, with the waves as my soundtrack, and often times my lullaby. So, as I listen to the waves on the beach in Bournemouth, there is a sense of home that was truly a blessing. The boardwalk itself is high above the water, and the town is set up on a cliff, and the pattern is continued as I look to the left and right, with the cliffs spotted or filled with trees.
The sky continues to darken, but the colors are not as eclectic as home. No, the sky is tones of blues and purples. Nothing to bright, but muted, like the color pallet of a bachelor pad that decided that it was alright to maybe have a little color besides black, white, and brown leather. Those muted colors are what took over the sky. They are not bold, nor are they awe-inspiring, but they are strong. They fought back the darkness just as much as our vibrant pinks, oranges, and reds back home. They stood against the blue ocean, and created an odd sense of contentment. It was funny to watch. People seemed to slow, and become more hushed. Other than the few rowdy bunches of early teenagers who truly have no idea what is going around them, except for themselves, and the young babies who cry, well because that is what they do. As night crept further in, and people started gearing up for well, nightlife, the sense of contentment vanished along with the muted purples and blues. I walked back to my hotel to try to arrange some of my stuff into a semblance of order, (paying close attention to the crosswalks mind you! They take them very seriously around here.) I speculate if sunsets around here are always strong and steady or if I will see brilliancy. I wonder if I write about all this humdrum if people will really care haha. I wonder as I slide my key into the lock of the front door if I will remember that a light that shines too brightly will burn out quickly, but if it burns to its given strength, that it will last for a while. God places reminders in my life all the time. To fallow him, stay in His will, and look for contentment in that.
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